Endless possibilities

While I was trying to fall asleep last night, I was thinking of all the things I will be able to do with my new foot once I'm done with this journey. Here is a list of things I have not done for the past 10 years and am looking forward to doing again. I can't wait to get through this. I will RUN, jump, skip, kick a ball, ride a bike, go camping without my foot stepping in unstable terrain. I want to dance, jump in a pool (the weight of water actually put too much pressure on my foot), drive long distances, climb a long flight of stairs.I am going to wrestle my boys like everyday until I win. I am going to let my kids walk on my right side when we are out together. I will never have to 'jump' when something is dropped too close to my foot. I am going to wear boots! Every kind possible. I am going to buy shoes based on looks, not on if they will hurt my foot or not. I am going to ride a skateboard, try the pogo stick, sit indian style, play a game of fetch with our clumsy big dog. I am going to race with Ben when he gets running with his walker and not worry he will change directions and clunk his walker on my foot (super painful by the way). I want to spend hours upon hours on my feet doing service for others. My list is not complete and I know I will discover more things as I go along. It is amazing what I have missed out on all these years. This is going to be fun.

What does potassium do?

So my blood work shows that I am low on potassium so I am taking supplements for that. What does that mean? What does potassium do anyway? I dont even know. I should research this. All I know is that the pharmacist said I couldnt lay down for 30 min after taking the pills. Why? Now as I sit and wait the time I envision the pills burning a hole through my throat on the way down. Can potassium do that?  I need to eat more bananas.

It's all about the food.

My new best friend

For about the first 5 days after chemo it's all about keeping down some food to avoid the impending nausea. So it feels much like my pregnancies and morning sickness. By like 9am I have to eat the craving of the day and then I am so much better off. If I don't then I won't stop thinking of it until I get it so why not just eat the enchiladas at 9am? The first round of chemo I had to have McDonalds sausage biscuit every morning for 2 week. My friend Mimi would bring my supply each morning when she picked up my kids for school. One morning before even saying hello I got anxious and loudly said "Where is my biscuit??" Oh my gosh! Who does that??? That would be me and that is called desperation. Thanks Mimi! Well after the biscuit crave I moved on to my current one. So I would like to honor my new best friend. His name is Hot and Sour Soup and he can only be from Pei Wei. I am on my 6th order in the last 3 weeks. I refuse to look up the calories and sodium involved because I don't want to be sorely disappointed. I will eat it regardless until I find a new best friend.

We made it through Christmas..

We made it through Christmas and it was even better than I hoped for. The older kids sure pitched in to help it be a good memory for the younger ones. We do our big celebrating Christmas Eve night. Going into this round of chemo I was very worried, and quite frankly sad that my worst day would be Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Talk about adding the guilt on to a mom when she can't even take care of herself, let alone all the traditions and making memories that go along with Christmas. But thankfully I was able to be involved in Christmas this year. I tired by 7pm and went to bed while Kenneth was busy till the wee hours of the night making everything as perfect as he could. I was amazed at how well he did both our jobs.You know how many of us women secretly dream that our husbands could walk in our shoes for like a week and see how much we really do for the kids and the household that goes completely unnoticed? Well my husband has filled my shoes for 2 months and has 2 more to go. And he has done it with patience and compassion. I continue to be amazed by him. I won't wish anymore secret hardships on him in the future

Round 2 DONE!!!

Just finished round 2!!  Santa and Mrs. Claus brought cookies into the chemo suite. Very jolly. And one of the other patients knitted a bag full of hats for everyone to have a new Christmas beanie. Here is mine..

True meaning of love

I feel I want to express the heartfelt thank you to so many people that have shown love to me and my family. We have received so many meals that has taken the burden off my husband in the evenings so he can do all my chores after he gets home from work. I have received cards in the mail almost everyday with words of encouragement. My kids have been given rides over and over again to school and other activities. We have had bread and goodies left at the door, and an abundance of donations to a 'housekeeping fund' so that the big cleaning chores are done. There has been no act of kindness either big or small that I haven't recognized and been grateful for. And this includes the numerous prayers in my behalf. I know I have family, a ward, and stake, and the primary children, and people of all different faiths praying for me and my recovery. It is truly overwhelming in every sense and I will never take it for granted. It is what has carried me through the bad days and the days my heart aches. It is putting love into action. I am blessed by you.

"True love requires action. We can speak of love all day long, we can write notes or poems that proclaim it, sing songs that praise it, and preach sermons that encourage it but until we manifest that love in action, our words are nothing but sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal."
~Dieter F. Uchtdorf

First day complete

candy cane juice flowing through my veins

I got to chemo fired up to start. The first day is not so bad. I read lots of People magazines and other good news mags. And before I knew it I was finished. It took about 6 hours today. As I left the nurse hooked me up to my portable infusion pump to start drug 2. This drug is nicknamed 'Red Devil' because it is the one that makes you lose your hair, get mouth sores, headaches, fatigue, etc. Last round I freaked out having to carry it with me for 72 hours knowing I was getting that Red Devil poisoning. By the way, it goes in your body red and comes out of you red for like 5 days. Not a pleasant reminder. So today at chemo I decided to rename it something less evil and scary so I wouldn't be afraid of what it was doing inside of me. I named it Candy Cane Juice. How can I worry about it now. It sounds so delightful!

Round two

Another round of chemo starts today. It takes 4 hours to infuse the first drug. I go for 4 days and do the same routine. When I leave today I will be hooked up to the second drug. That drug gets infused over 72 hours. I get to wear the infusion pump around much like my shop vac. The scary part is sleeping with it. The nurse said to be very careful because if there is a spill it will burn through my skin. Nice. The images of what it was doing inside my body is just one reason I had so much anxiety the first round. But I am more mentally prepared this time. Ugh! I still dont want to do it.

Endurance bracelet

A friend of mine told me of the idea how some people with cancer start a bracelet to basically countdown through the chemo process. The idea is you start with an empty bracelet and then earn beads to represent each milestone. So my sweet mom found a bracelet much like the picture and has started me filling the bracelet up. I got one bead for my foot amputation, one for the shop vac ordeal, one for having the PICC line placed, one for losing my hair and then one for my first round of chemo. I have 4 more beads waiting for the remaining chemo treatments. I love the idea and when I'm all done, I will have something tangible to see what I accomplished.

Happy Anniversary to us!!

  

Happy Anniversary today. 17 years!!! 
 

Young love...

What's that on your head? A WIG!!!

So the nurse told me that about day 14 my hair would fall out. And she was right on. Two days ago when I would run my fingers through my hair, chunks would just fall out into my hand. Gross!! It doesn't help that I have always had a little phobia of hair. I hate it on the sink or on my shirt. And especially when a hair gets in your mouth. Yuck. So I will be glad when every last hair is gone.

First round of hair loss. This is only half of it.

But today when I looked in the mirror I cried. A few times. I realize that I have now been stripped of what makes me feel beautiful and like a woman. I have also been stripped of my pride. This is a very humbling experience for me. I don't know if I will be able to bring myself to taking a picture of myself for a long time.

Time for Chemo

Let's talk about chemo. Simply stated it is AWFUL! Now I can take alot of pain and I did throw up everyday of every pregnancy so I'm no wimp. But chemo is a mental game as much as a physical pain. I literally felt like I could die and I couldn't get the idea out of my head that I was being poisoned by the drugs. The nights were endless and I woke up about 20 times a night and would just pray that I would live to see the sunrise the next morning. Literally. I also got some great mouth sores. The most painful sores of my life. I full out cried when I brushed me teeth. After 2 days of it I got a great prescription for a nystatin swish. Relief! Then I battled the night sweats. I sleep with a fan on and the window open. Kenneth came to bed the third night in flannel pajamas, a sweatshirt and his warm beanie he wears camping. He then pulled the sheet and 2 blankets completely over his head just to keep warm. When I woke up to see what he had done I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. I gained a whole new respect for him and his devotion to me and to my comfort and recovery.

Hooking up the shop vac.

So, I got my cast off 2 weeks after surgery. I was only suppose to be without a foot for 3 weeks while the swelling went down. But lucky me got an infection in my wound and the surgeon opened one side of it to let it drain. I am now approaching 2 months and that darn wound won't finish healing. 3 weeks ago the doctor ordered a wound vacuum to be put on to speed up the healing. We couldn't postpone chemo anymore while we wait for it to heal (chemo slows down the body's ability to heal itself). So now I get to hop, (or crawl which is faster and easier) around the house while wearing my vacuum around like an over the shoulder purse. I'm sure you all want to see a picture of it. A sponge is put in the wound. Then a suction tube leads from that into the vacuum. I call it my Shop Vac. 

Not your average vacuum..

I'm not done with the amputation pictures.....

This is me getting my first look at my new leg...

Let's get caught up to speed.

Let's get caught up to speed on my doings with cancer. In May I discovered a bump on the top of my foot. I already had suffered from nerve pain for many years in that exact spot on my foot. But this bump was making it unbearable. I saw my primary care doctor in May and was shuffled to the wrong departments until September, when a podiatrist did an MRI. He figured it was a cyst but did the MRI to be sure it wasn't a rare form of cancer. I got a call on my cell phone when I was in the middle of Walmart of all places. The doctor said it looked suspicious and a biopsy would be needed to rule out cancer. Well within 2 weeks I had the biopsy and a week later I got the call, at home this time, that I had a Synovial Sarcoma. CANCER!

Although I suspected it was cancer, I still cried. You are never prepared to hear that.

So 4 days later, my foot came off.

And 8 weeks later I started chemotherapy.

But how about I post some cool pictures.                      

Here is what I woke up to after amputation surgery

I joined the blogging world!!

So here's the thing. I never had any desire to start a blog. But maybe this will be a good outlet for me. As my friends and family know, I was diagnosed with cancer in September and since then I have kept a journal of all the funny, sad, and often yucky things that go along with the journey through cancer. But maybe this blog arena will be a way for me to publish my feelings to anyone who wants to follow along with me on my quest to kick cancer in the butt!
Of course cancer won't be the topic of everything I blog about. How boring would that be? Plus I have five cool kids I can tell great stories about. What else do I do with a blog? Oh boy, this could be fun....