Is it over?

I am still in denial that I am done with chemo. It feels great to think about. I just need to get through this week without getting sick. Then I think I will put my last bead on my bracelet and call it DONE!
I did indeed get my leg on Thursday. We even came prepared with the real camera, but I don't know where it is. So here are some I just took of my new leg. I have a habit of naming things. Of course my first post- surgery leg had to be Peggy. She was just a huge peg. This one I named Shirley.

Shirley with my new running shoes

My new foot. Very nice looking.

What time is it?? Chemo time!!!!

I was so exited and nervous this morning going to chemo. I was talking to my nurse alot and laughing with her about just random stuff. I was just really glad to be there and getting this last chemo done. Then I looked around at the other people who were there and decided I might be a little too cheerful. I saw a woman who was there for her first time. My heart ached for her. I really did feel all those icky feelings I had and I know what is in store for her. I have had many times where I had to privately face the chance of death with myself. It is a humbling, sobering, life changing thing to have to acknowledge your own possible death. And I have thought about other cancer patients who don't have a good diagnosis. But still go through chemo and face it with their best fight. I am wondering if I survive, then will I have survivor guilt? I am afraid I will.  How couldn't I? There are so many others who fight just as hard or harder who don't beat it. It humbles me. I don't want cancer to define who I am. I just want it to be apart of my life's journey. I want to learn from it and help others who will face the same road in anyway I can.
Anyway, just some things on my mind as I am thinking of this week ahead. After a followup CT scan I will find out the results of the small nodes in my lungs. Then I will be followed for the standard 5 years. If I make it there with no new nodes, then it will be another day to celebrate.

The Goodies continue...

The 10 day countdown to finishing chemo continues. We haven't caught our secret friends yet. We are having so much fun with all the gifts being left on our doorstep. Ok, I may actually be having more fun than the kids. And we are being spoiled! Thank you so much to whoever you are!!!!

Monday- 4 more days!!!

Look what was on the back of the paper. Woohooo!!

The end and a new beginning

I should be used to disappointment by now. Actually I am. I am of the "Hope for the best but expect the worst" theory. Here is my newest disappointment... I was supposed to get my leg yesterday. My prosthetisist said he would try to have it ready before my last round of chemo. Imagine my surprise when I got a call Wednesday to make an appointment to get it. It was really going to happen! When I called the office, my leg was indeed ready BUT my prostetisist was out of the office until Tuesday. Are you kidding me?!! And to make it even better, they were booked until next Thursday. After my disappointment finally wore down I started thinking. It has now been 18 weeks without my leg. Did I ever in a million years think it would drag out this long? And then to have my leg ready for my last day of chemo. It could actually be a monumental day. It will be a day to put an end to this cancer chapter and it will be the first day of my life with my new leg. A new beginning! I could not have planned it any better. It will be a day I will never forget!

Goodies make it great

A Secret Someone is counting down chemo with me these last 10 days. I have gotten goodies each day. Here is what was left on the doorstep today. I love it! And I am totally stumped who it is. ????

Keep brushing

It was time to replace my toothbrush.

age 4-24 months

The infant toothbrushes are the softest ones I can find. My last one was Piglet. It got me this far. This time I got Pooh Bear. I will be excited to get a big girl toothbrush in a few weeks when my mouth and gums are back to normal.

Any guesses what today is?

I will give you a hint...

One more clue....

Ten more days till I am finished with chemo!!!!!!!!!

Reminiscing

I was looking at the picture I posted of all of us at the top of the blog. I decided to share the story of why it is one of my favorite pictures. It obviously isn't because of the great photo quality.
It is hard to explain to kids whatever their age, what chemotherapy will do to their mom and how things will be different  for a while. They can't picture in their minds what it will be like. But they got a very clear picture when we said mom's foot will be cut off. As much as I reassured them that I would be fine, the mental picture still isn't.
I didn't want them to worry. Especially the younger kids. So I had this last minute idea that we would go to the Build a Bear store and they could pick out a bear and all help to stuff it and put it together for me so I could take it to the hospital and I wouldn't be afraid or lonely while I was there. This really made my 7 year old feel much better. So we all went and actually had one of the funnest family times ever. When you go to the store you pick out whatever bear or animal you want. Then you get to push the pedal of the 'stuffing machine' to fill the bear. Next you put a little heart in it before the worker sews it up. I told him about why we were all there and he was so great to the kids. He let them each pick out a heart to make a special wish with and then kiss it for me before putting it inside the bear. After getting the bear all fixed up they all had to decide on a name. The three oldest came up with "Footsie" but my 7 year old had to add in "Prince". Perfect! Prince Footsie was born and was a comfort to my littlest girl when she was worried about me. Here are some more pictures from that day.

Courtney pushing the pedal of the stuffing machine

Ben putting his little foot on the pedal

Kids hugging their little hearts to put in the bear. Notice Charlotte kissing hers.
Love it.

I'm so glad my older kids humored me and went along with it.
Ethan putting his heart in the bear.

an extra kiss before adding his heart to the bear

Trying to decide on a name. Thankfully no arguing.

Thankfully we were the only ones in the store so the boys weren't dying of embarrassment.

Prince Footsie and my original prince

Heart Attack!

I feel so much better. What a relief. I have had a nice weekend enjoying feeling good for the first time in 2 weeks.
I was home from church resting today. When the kids got home they were so excited to see this...

We were "Heart Attacked"!! What a fun surprise. And a mystery.
They couldn't believe I hadn't heard anything. (I was upstairs taking a nap) So who are the mystery friends????
But they left a clue. They referred to me as Karibear. Only a limited few call me that. Hmmmnnnn...???

Sores galore.

I have been in an awful state the past couple of days. My mouth sores are back and I waited a little too long until I started using my 'magic mouth wash'. Well after a day of using the swish my mouth was actually getting worse. Yesterday morning I woke up with blisters and sores EVERYWHERE in my mouth. I checked the bottle of swish and discovered it expired a month ago. Well, I got a refill as quick as I could and the pharmasist told me it is only good for 2 weeks. Oops. I should have checked that sooner. I am almost two days using the new mouth wash and am still in so much pain every few hours I break out in a crying session because it hurts so bad. The pain is incredible. These have been the worst two days!
Then, These are the days I usually end up in the hospital because I have gotten a fever from some germ floating around. I thought I was doomed to another stay after Ben came home from school Wednesday with a mild fever and congestion. Kenneth and my mom adjusted their work schedules so they could take morning and afternoon shifts the past 2 days staying with him while I stayed confined upstairs. Kenneth got the same cold and has been sleeping on the couch for more days than I can count. It is now Friday night and I am still fever free. This would be the biggest party for me except for how much pain my mouth has been. Goodness Sakes! Even good news comes with a price I guess. I just keep saying over and over that I am home and not in the hospital. Today was a day off from school and my sweet kids took shifts watching Ben so I could have one more day isolated. It is exhausting isolating yourself from the people you love and emotional too.

I got a surprise package in the mail yesterday. It is my new favorite thing. And it isn't even food. It is the best hand cream I have used for my dry skin. Thanks Leslie!

Tears of sadness, Tears of joy

I survived another really bad weekend following chemo. It was awful as usual. I don't know how I would do it without the help of my family. Kenneth takes care of my every need. Literally. I cry alot. Lots and lots. I know I say more than once, "I don't think I can do this another round. It's too hard." And he never gives up on me. My mom has supported me through this so much too. And has heard lots of crying from me too. It has been comforting to have a mom tell you, "Of course you can do this, and you will!"
I am hoping I will not get sick this week. It would be a dream come true if I didn't have to go for another stay at the hospital. If I can get to Saturday then my good blood counts will be back on their way up. That would be such a blessing.
Today I had my first trial fitting for my leg. It only needs a few adjustments and should be ready by late next week. I may walk into that last chemo appointment afterall. It was a glimpse of hope that this may almost be over.

Nothing to show on my leg here. But check out my wig...

This is just a clear test socket to see if it fits in the right places

Good News Day

Lots of good news for a change. First of all I finished round 4!
Next great news is that the Doctor said I could be finished with drug #2. The one called "Red Devil" because of all it's nasty side effects. It is the one I have to wear with me for 72 hrs. as it infuses. So Yesterday I said goodbye and I never have to have that drug again!
And still more good news... The nurses talked to my doctor before I got to chemo yesterday and since I don't need the constant IV line for that drug, he agreed to pull my PICC line out! They were so excited to tell me because they know it is another thing to cross off my list. So I have to post pictures of this awesome moment. The PICC line goes in through my upper arm and around to my my heart. Here is a picture of how long it was.

PICC line in my arm

It's out!! Look how long it was. yuck.

Home is best when we are all here

Ben came home this afternoon.!!! I was so happy to see him. He is my best little buddy and I missed him. He was still a bit groggy and a little fussy. Probably still recovering. I so wish he could tell us if something hurt or what it is he was fussy about. Nevertheless, we always try to predict what he will be feeling and make him comfortable. He still sleeps in our room so we can easily hear him. He has a sound machine and light show that shines on the ceiling. It helps him fall asleep at night. I have missed that the past few night. It was too quiet in my room for me to sleep.

The great Awakening

Going  to the playroom to check out toys and books

Ben was able to have his breathing tube pulled late last night after I left. Kenneth said they both got a good night's sleep. Kenneth was running on fumes from spending a few sleepless nights with him so I could be isolated from whatever germ he had. They are hoping to go home tomorrow. Here are a couple of pictures. He looks much better today. And a big shout out to the staff at Childrens Hospital. I wish I could go there next time I get sick.

Waking up to toys and movies